There is a reason why so many guys who want to learn how to meet women in bars and clubs are so confused.
With access to a huge amount of information on the subject it becomes difficult to understand what is worth focusing on in general, not to mention what you personally need to focus on at the moment.
You can’t figure it out without experience no matter how much you read, but through some self examination and some guidance, you can at least start to see what information isn’t as important to you. This alone will grant you a lot of clarity and help you learn better because after all, the misuse of advice by applying it to the wrong context is the most common type of mistake there is. The purpose of this article is to critically look at one concept you might be concerning yourself with:
Probably the most confusing concept being tossed around. This topic and the way it’s been used and misused over the years could justify the writing of entire book. Let’s describe it for our purposes first.
State is simply how you feel. It’s your emotional state. It’s not flow state (although I’m sure that has it’s emotional implications) and it’s not your energy level or physical condition though they are important too.
Often guys will say things like “once I’m in state, I’ll be fine.” or “you should go out just to have fun and if you do, thing will happen naturally.” or “I need to do enough approaches to get into the flow before I go inside.” Which I personally don’t do, but is something that has it’s place as we’ll get to. So who should actually be concerning themselves with state?
At night, I’m looking to do the same thing with one addition which is that I feel like partying in the particular way that my venue that night is designed for. If I’m going to a club, let’s say Guvnment in Toronto, that means I feel like drinking, I feel like dancing maybe, certainly I feel like listening to that music, and I feel enthusiastic. Sure, when it comes to an actual approach I’m thinking about the next step in the sequence, but before that I’m just trying to have as much fun as possible. Much like being relaxed makes a lot of what I typically say during the day seem natural and in line with how I’m acting, so to does having fun make my communications match at night.
Perhaps you’ve noticed that a lot of guys who go out specifically to pickup act weird in that they pretend to be having a better time then they are. Often it’ll really seem like they have been drinking or taking drugs when they haven’t. This is the method of intimating party behaviour. It’s a bad strategy because it depends on your acting, and it doesn’t provide the same kind of value to people around you who want to have fun. You have to actually be having fun, and by learning how and where to do that you’re discover a lot more and attract far more people. Now here are the exceptions.
Obviously, if you don’t go out a lot you’re not going to be comfortable and this will make it hard to have fun. Most people don’t ever have to deal with this. If they are just starting to go clubbing they are probably in a group of other people who are in the same boat or who can at least provide support and fun. If they just can’t get into it, they don’t go again and socialize elsewhere. Alternatively, they simply enjoy the party for what it is because it’s something they are into. I had a perspective student here in Toronto recently who just loves raving. He would go on his own and have a blast and I could tell this was one of the types of parties he belonged at. He still needed to learn about the subculture and pickup but it took him no time at all to be comfortable with the environment, because he liked what was going on there.
Also, people who get into partying the typical way have no special reason to feel insecure about the way they interact with people- if they feel awkward they can just be nice to someone in the group and it’s highly likely they will find someone to talk to.
If you’re trying to learn how to meet women however you’re probably going to be (and should be) questioning yourself. You might avoid being nice for instance, because you don’t want to seem like a pushover. It’s good thinking but it especially important for these guys to learn to relax. It’s common for guys who are struggling to be dragged out by there friends and end up having a great night, because they were focused on just having the greatest time between themselves.
Now whether that guy meets a women and begin a sexual relationship with her is a different story which bring me to the big thing. The big thing is when you’re starting off and you might not even be able to keep up a conversation your lack of skill is a far greater concern. When you’re learning the basics and getting a feel for whatever type of club you’re going to, you’re going to want to use goals. You might want to do X number of approaches for instance which makes sense for a club like Guvernment. You might want to try and start some conversations before going to club Or, you might want to just focus on being able to vibe with a group which is good in day time social environments or lounges and then use that as a starting point to learn actual pickup. The point is, you can feel as good as you like but it’s not going to unlock some hidden skillset, unless it’s something that’s only being locked up by your bad state.
I call the way you influence your state “inner game” which you’re running on yourself constantly, but it’s different from outer game (how you influence others emotions) which also has to be learnt the hard way. What this all adds up to is this; you will have some fun nights but not get laid, and you will have some shitty nights and not get laid but in my experience the fun night are the only ones you will get laid on and that’s because you’ve done the work that allows you to have fun and you’ve done the work that allows you to communicate impeccably and you’re doing both.